You are the God who sees....

2009 was the toughest year of our infertility problem for me.  But it was also the time when God used the craziest of circumstances to drive me to a deep understanding of how much He truly does care for me.  God cares for every detail of our lives and nothing comes as a surprise to Him. Christmas of 2008 rolled by and we were already starting to see doctors and pray for direction in how to medically handle our situation.  I had a new sister-in-law, Amy, and things between us were strained but better than the year before.  I had two main prayers that I can remember during that time: Lord heal us so that we can conceive and give me a deep love for Amy that only comes from you.  Both were constantly on my mind during Christmas especially.  The next few months of 2009 werent anything spectacular just normal months.  Then in March I heard painful news. 

Amy was pregnant. 

Thinking rationally I knew that it had no effect on my own fertility or situation but yet it HURT.  I was angry at God for giving her a gift that I was certain I deserved.  Thinking irrationally I thought God ran out of babies.  Seriously.  When you are in the middle of infertility things like this are heart crushing.  Bless her heart Amy has never known about this pain I experienced.  In the end it wasn’t the right time to share until now.  How bad did it hurt? Its hard to describe, but I remember the date, March 11^th, and the time of day quite fondly when they called us with their happy news.  I remember the conversation with Michael (the dad and my brother in law) and I remember talking to Tony, calling my best friend Libby, and crying hysterically with both.  I was broken.  During the next few days due to the sensitivity of my feelings Tony, my husband, so graciously and gently told his parents of our situation and we hadnt shared with many to this point.  His only request to them was to not ask us the question that had been asked since the day after we got married in 1997: "When are y’all gonna have us some grandkids?"  I thought maybe if I heard that my head would split in two and steam would come out of my ears like a cartoon.  We suffered through the weekend and a family dinner and I still stewed over our sudden change of situation.  I was going to be an Aunt when I desperately was longing to be a mother.  The next few months went by and Mothers day was upon us.  Again I found myself facing my infertility at 7 am in the morning on Mothers Day. Due to the testing I was going through and my cycle that Sunday happened to be a Sunday I needed to go to the fertility clinic (yes, they are open 7 days a week and 364 days a year) to get my blood drawn.  I felt there was no worse punishment.  The purple bruise in the crook of my left elbow became a battle wound of sorts and I was about to receive another.  I made it through that day and began to really wonder what this path we were on was going to look like in the next few months.  I cant even begin to describe to you the range of emotions and thoughts unless you’ve been there before.  Then you know exactly what I mean. 

The next few months I started to purposefully engage in Amy’s life and the pregnancy.  I knew she had no family here and she seemed to want me by her side for this and I was glad to be needed.  I like being needed.  Then one day she asked me to do what I never thought.  Michael couldn’t get off work to go to the ultrasound where they find out the babys gender and Amy wanted me to be there with her.  I was honored and shaken.  I didn’t know if I could keep my tough face on in that tiny room seeing that sweet baby in her belly when my belly was totally empty.  I honored her request that day and went with her and our mother in law to the ultrasound appointment.  It was summer 2009.  Tony and Michaels mom is a crier so I knew she would shed tears.  I prayed and told myself I would be strong for Amy and no way would I ruin her day.  She didn’t even know I was struggling.  All she knew was that I was the only person she trusted and I felt greatful.  We went in the room and saw a sweet little boy who we now call Stinkerbug or Cameron or Peanut or Bug or stinkbutt.  But his name is Cameron. Then after we said our cordial goodbyes I got in my car to drive home. 

Can I just stop here and tell you that God knows exactly what we need when we need it and I could never put into words all the times and ways He has wrapped me up in His unchanging love and held me when I wanted to run. 

In my car was a Kari Jobe cd.  One of her songs on that cd is called You are For Me. The lyrics go like this:

So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true, so powerful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

CHORUS
I know that you are for me I know that you are for me
I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

VERSE 2
So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true, so wonderul in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move You love for me to sing to you

The tears came down hot and thick.  All I could do was sing barely above a whisper driving down the road to the sweet song that just so happened to be the next song in the sequence when I got in the car.  Song number 13 on the disc.  God is so faithful.  Constant.  The chorus I sang was my own at that moment.  Have you ever felt a moment of true brokenness and dependence on God and He showed up in a big way?  I longed to understand why it wasn’t me in that doctors office on the table for rational reasons.  My age. My length of marriage.  My obedience in prayer before deciding to start a family.  All of the reasons why I deserved a baby above all else.  God didn’t want to hear that.  I believe he wanted me to see He sees me.  There is a passage in Genesis about Hagar, Sarah’s handmaiden. Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham so that Hagar could carry a child that was Abraham’s because Sarah was barren which was customary in 2000-1500 BC days.  But then Sarah in her jealousy of the pregnancy mistreated Hagar and she ran away.  The Lord came to her in the wilderness and she then called God “You are the God who sees”.  Even when she went back later at Gods command her and her child Ishmael were banished again by Sarah and God provided water for them in the desert when they were about to die.  Sarah ended up having Isaac with Abraham at a very very old age just as God had promised.  There are several important things I took away from these scriptures but the most precious resonated through this song-I know that You are FOR me.  God was in my car catching every tear and soaking up every broken word as I praised Him for who He is, was, and is to come: Faithful, Constant, Loving, True, Merciful, Wonderful.  There is no one like my God. 

So what happened after the brokenness? Healing. Growing.  I continued to pray for my baby I knew God had promised us and I continued to pray I would be the person to Amy she needed me to be.  God had a plan and his timing is never off.  Today that baby on that ultrasound screen is a 16 month old “hot mess” and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Ever. Amy and I grow closer every year. Our infertility brought us to adoption and that’s a whole other story of how God uses brokenness and physical suffering for His glory.  Adoption is what God chose for us and we choose each day to trust Him.  When we run away and we are in the wilderness under the bush crying out He SEES us.  Don’t ever forget that.
Kelly

(Link to Kari Jobe video:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo)

Photo: Cameron and I a few weeks ago on a very special day in the ultrasound room--finding out he is gonna have a big brother come summer 2011!